I went to bad last night no later than 11:30. It was a really bad day for me, and I'd go as far as saying that every day this week has been a bad one. Today wasn't much different. I couldn't sleep at all when I went to bed, and so I logged on to Meebo at midnight and tried talking with people. Nothing of substance was said, but it only took an hour for my eyes to get droopy. Turns out, of course, that droopy isn't enough, and I stayed in an uncomfortable coma from 1:00 to 6:30. Unable to take any more pretend-sleep, I logged on to Meebo again and caught the only person who's mattered this week as he was heading out to work. Once he had left, I tried the whole sleep thing again, then abandoned my attempts at 7:00 and got ready for the day.
By the time I made it downstairs, I was tired enough again to fall asleep, so I lay down on the couch and pulled out my iPod, to type on its notepad all of the things I wanted to say to the only person who's mattered this week. When that was done, I rolled onto my side and slept until my stomach demanded attention. I gave it the usual breakfast: cinnamon life (all we have in the way of cereal) with some mixed-in bran (all we have in the way of keeping my bowels just shy of total misery). When that was out of the way, I got on my computer, and logged on to retype everything to the only person who's mattered this week from my iPod and into Adium. Afterward, I composed Green, a playlist intended to only have songs inspiring fresh starts and new outlooks, sans any hint of love (something I currently see as cruelly ironic). Either my heart wasn't in it enough, or I'm a helpless romantic with too many songs centered around that theme, because when I was finished making the playlist, I only had 51 songs. I didn't feel like listening to it once I'd finished, and opted for my normal playlist of some 390 songs. When shuffled, it usually has a good sense of fitting the mood I'm in at a given time. Today wasn't different: the songs were all downbeat. During the ten songs I listened to, I got back onto Adium and typed a few more things to the only person who's mattered this week, and once I'd said everything that was on my mind, I retired once again to the couch downstairs. It was 2:00. I woke up when my dad got home, just before 4:00. Now I'm writing this blog.
I nearly started crying when I was in the middle of the first few sentences of this. I just started crying again now, thinking about how my father, who has never been one of many words, noticed how depressed I was on Tuesday and talked to me about it. I'm fairly sure he's still concerned, because my mood hasn't drastically changed between now and then. I mean, I just told you I'm crying right now.
I know that this shouldn't have been such a bad week. I got a new cell phone, I have my first job, and I'll be doing orientation for it on Saturday, two days before my family leaves for Virginia Beach. But what does that mean for me, really? A shiny new toy, and the finest symbol of power any red-blooded American can think of. Toys don't intrinsically contain anything of value to the human soul, and power is nothing without a means or a reason to share it. What good will my paychecks do if all I ever spend them on are toys that remain static on my shelves all my life? What good is saving that money for something grand if the only person who will witness its marvel is me? There's no sense to it, and so all of these things I have or will have... they're as empty as I am right now.
I don't know how much more often my heart can go through this pain. Love leaves deeper scars than anything else I know.
Showing posts with label day's events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label day's events. Show all posts
Thursday, May 22
Saturday, November 3
Lunacy and lunarcy
It is often a practice of mine to do things that I have absolutely no intention of revisiting, even though they're incredibly funny or poignant at the time that I do them. A very recent example of this -- now invalidated by my talking about it on my blog -- is the night of Arabian Nights rehearsal during which I spread water on my butt while I was offstage because my character ran into the scene complaining about diarrhea. It was a stroke of genius brought on by my visit to the water fountain and my incredibly random nature.
Sitting in work-study today, I watched a few episodes of Scrubs, listened to a podcast from IGN Wii-k in Review (while I sat in reverie at the games coming out this and next year. We are looking at another shot at the gaming Golden Age right now), and tried many times to get my iPod to connect to the internet. Being that I'm sitting at the front desk's workstation right now, it's safe to say that my attempts failed.
The failure did, however, allow one of my iPod's more interesting features to shine through. The feature, you ask? My calendar.
While wholly spectacular inventions in and of themselves, calendars have been mostly overlooked by the general populous as simple chotchkies to be hung on the kitchen wall and ignored until you need to know what day or year it is for the check that you're writing. But the idea of extensible calendars, which allow for much more information than can fit in a 1 1/2 square-inch box, is bringing the practicality and -- let's face it -- fun back into having places to be at certain times of the day.
Perhaps one of the most interesting calendars of the non-extensible form, however, is the giant stone one located in Latin America, cradled in a Mayan ruin. The calendar gives proof that the Mayans were at least dilligent timekeepers, as it has on it the dates of lunar eclipses and other celestial happenings. But unfortunately for anybody visiting the Mayan ruins and wondering what the stars will be doing in 2011, the Mayan calendar only keeps up on such information until December 12, 2010: the day which the Mayans playfully describe as "the end of the world."
Having heard of this back in my junior or senior year of high school from a member of Bellevue East's forensics team, and having been exposed to stories of the calendar before then, I made, in a stroke of random whimsy, a schedule of events for December 12, 2010. I bring this up now, because the very same schedule somehow migrated from Google Calendar, where I first wrote it out, to my iPod's calendar, for me to stumble upon this afternoon. Here's what I've got myself doing:
12 AM - Panic
2:30 AM - Panic some more
6 AM - Spongebob Squarepants
9 AM - Eat breakfast at McDonalds
10 AM - Panic
1 PM - Late lunch
2 PM - Prayer
3 PM - Prayer
4 PM - Prayer
5 PM - The Simpsons
6 PM - Prayer
7 PM - Prayer
8 PM - Work on forensics piece
9 PM - Buy a hammer
10 PM - Build sculpture of Campbell (my forensics coach)
10:30 PM - Destroy sculpture of Campbell
11 PM - Panic and pray
In my exceptional genius, I planned out this schedule and excluded an hour for eating dinner. I'm sure I had a reason at the time for why I don't eat any kind of final meal, maybe in reverence to all of the foods that I should have tried by this point but hadn't, maybe in a kind of observance to God that I'm not full unless I have Him dwelling inside me, or maybe it was just because I knew that I probably wouldn't be hungry that night. In any case, why would it take me an hour to find and buy a hammer?
Sitting in work-study today, I watched a few episodes of Scrubs, listened to a podcast from IGN Wii-k in Review (while I sat in reverie at the games coming out this and next year. We are looking at another shot at the gaming Golden Age right now), and tried many times to get my iPod to connect to the internet. Being that I'm sitting at the front desk's workstation right now, it's safe to say that my attempts failed.
The failure did, however, allow one of my iPod's more interesting features to shine through. The feature, you ask? My calendar.
While wholly spectacular inventions in and of themselves, calendars have been mostly overlooked by the general populous as simple chotchkies to be hung on the kitchen wall and ignored until you need to know what day or year it is for the check that you're writing. But the idea of extensible calendars, which allow for much more information than can fit in a 1 1/2 square-inch box, is bringing the practicality and -- let's face it -- fun back into having places to be at certain times of the day.
Perhaps one of the most interesting calendars of the non-extensible form, however, is the giant stone one located in Latin America, cradled in a Mayan ruin. The calendar gives proof that the Mayans were at least dilligent timekeepers, as it has on it the dates of lunar eclipses and other celestial happenings. But unfortunately for anybody visiting the Mayan ruins and wondering what the stars will be doing in 2011, the Mayan calendar only keeps up on such information until December 12, 2010: the day which the Mayans playfully describe as "the end of the world."
Having heard of this back in my junior or senior year of high school from a member of Bellevue East's forensics team, and having been exposed to stories of the calendar before then, I made, in a stroke of random whimsy, a schedule of events for December 12, 2010. I bring this up now, because the very same schedule somehow migrated from Google Calendar, where I first wrote it out, to my iPod's calendar, for me to stumble upon this afternoon. Here's what I've got myself doing:
12 AM - Panic
2:30 AM - Panic some more
6 AM - Spongebob Squarepants
9 AM - Eat breakfast at McDonalds
10 AM - Panic
1 PM - Late lunch
2 PM - Prayer
3 PM - Prayer
4 PM - Prayer
5 PM - The Simpsons
6 PM - Prayer
7 PM - Prayer
8 PM - Work on forensics piece
9 PM - Buy a hammer
10 PM - Build sculpture of Campbell (my forensics coach)
10:30 PM - Destroy sculpture of Campbell
11 PM - Panic and pray
In my exceptional genius, I planned out this schedule and excluded an hour for eating dinner. I'm sure I had a reason at the time for why I don't eat any kind of final meal, maybe in reverence to all of the foods that I should have tried by this point but hadn't, maybe in a kind of observance to God that I'm not full unless I have Him dwelling inside me, or maybe it was just because I knew that I probably wouldn't be hungry that night. In any case, why would it take me an hour to find and buy a hammer?
Tuesday, October 23
Anatomy of a day
7:00 - My alarm goes off, I open and close my cell phone to turn it off.
7:30 - My iMac starts playing my "Songs I generally listen to" playlist. I'm pretty sure it starts with Matchbox Twenty.
9:00 - The second alarm I set for myself goes off. Switchfoot is playing.
9:07 - I finally decide to get up out of bed when "Gone" by Switchfoot starts up.
9:12 - I get to the bathroom. Its dispenser is still out of soap, as it has been for over a week now.
9:30 - I get out of the shower as Chet walks in. He tells me that I should tell an RA or Tolu about the soap.
9:33 - I get my pants on and walk out of the bathroom just as Tolu walks in. I inform him of the soap.
9:35 - I walk back into my room. "Upside Down" by Jack Johnson.
9:37 - I put my contact lenses in and put on deodorant. I shuffle through the shirts in my shirt drawer and pick out the Doane College one. I don't look half bad in orange.
9:40 - Something compels me to update Growl on my iMac. I do so, and then spend a bit of time screwing with its functions.
9:50 - I realize that if I want breakfast today, I need to book it to the coffee shop. I bring my iPod along. "The Remedy" by Jason Mraz.
9:55 - I make it into the Common Grounds in time to get a peanut butter muffin and a mocha blend smoothie. "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal.
10:00 - I get back to the dorms just in time for Scrubs. It's a commercial, so I take the opportunity to get the paper on which this was originally written and my photojournalism book. "Big Yellow Taxi" by Counting Crows.
10:05 - Scrubs is back on. "My Malpractice Decision" and "My Female Trouble."
10:15 - My stomach starts its rebellion again, marking the fourth consecutive day of GI trouble since I added more fiber to my diet.
10:57 - I head to work-study to cover for Jess. On the way out, I discover that sometimes it is just easier to expel things from your mind. Then I reflect on "Loves me, loves me not," and wonder if its accuracy is to be always trusted.
11:03 - I get to the library, and then go to the bathroom.
11:15 - I catch up on what I've been doing today.
11:20 - I help an old man by changing quarters for a dollar.
11:35 - I finish catching up, and start listening to my iPod again.
11:37 - I crack open my photojournalism book to start studying for tonight. "Open Arms" by Journey.
12:35 - I finish chapter one and consider lunch, transferring, and meeting with Jeff. "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6.
12:50 - The next person on duty arrives. Now to lunch. "Into the Ocean" by Blue October.
12:59 - I set my breaded chicken sandwich down next to my sun chips and drink. Immediately, I go to Academic Support to see if I can get a transfer thing going.
1:02 - The woman I need to talk to is in a Safe Space Training seminar. My heart smiles, and I go to get my mail.
1:05 - There's a reminder to help with the blood drive, a packet of the available interterm classes this January, and a form for off-campus cultural events in my box.
1:11 - I finish my sandwich and return the form to the Academic Support desk. The woman I need to talk to is still not back. "Be Yourself" by Audioslave.
1:15 - My iPod reminds me of my meeting with Jeff. Off I go. "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot.
1:25 - I make a pitstop in my room to drop off my coat, photojournalism book, chips, and mailbox stuffers. I pick up a notebook with a hard cover, and my cell phone. No new calls since I put it on the charger. "Nowhere Near" by Summercamp.
1:30 - I arrive outside of Jeff's door. On the way over, I see a guy running in a bit of a baseball outfit, and am reminded of the assignment in photojournalism I have yet to attempt. "Crazy" by Alanis Morissette.
1:34 - I decide to check up on the news. "Breathe" by Anna Nalick.
1:47 - Jeff comes to talk to me after I've been waiting. The problem is what I thought it would be: American Government. "Hallelujah" by John Cale.
1:52 - Chet comes into the office. I scare him away with my awesome machismo.
1:55 - I leave Jeff's office for Dr. Hill's. He isn't in at the moment, so I remind myself to go down again Wednesday afternoon. "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts.
1:58 - I go to the SLO again to declare my intention to transfer at the semester. "Are You Happy Now?" by Michelle Branch.
1:59 - I run into Dr. Hill outside of the SLO, and walking back to his office, he informs me that my debate paper will schew my grade greatly. He also tells me that my study habits may be lackluster now that I'm not in high school anymore. My idea to have him think I'm a freshman continues to amuse.
2:10 - I leave Dr. Hill's office and get back to my room.
2:13 - I sit at my desk and continue to chronicle.
2:26 - Now to get that sports photo. "Higher Ground" by Red Hot Chili Peppers.
2:38 - I am reminded of the basis behind my passionate hatred of sports and sports photography. The smell of cinnamon reminds me of my cookies. "Yesterdays" by Switchfoot.
2:43 - I run across my fourth student tour of the day. Walking past, I can't help but think what fun it would be to etch "RUN" in red ink on multiple scrawls of paper and leave them where I know touring students would find them.
2:46 - I grab some fiber cookies.
2:58 - I recall the presence of an airport in Crete, and stakeout for skydivers. "Move Along" by All-American Rejects.
3:08 - I snap a photo of two joggers. Not what I had come for, but whatevs. "Someday" by Nickelback.
3:18 - I get back to my room and watch an episode of Avatar before voice seminar. "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5.
3:52 - Avatar is still awesome, but now for the seminar.
4:03 - I get to the seminar, which Hannah Jo Smith promises will be short.
4:12 - We get out of the seminar, but not before Hannah Jo frightens my soul to its core.
4:15 - On the way back to the dorm, Tyler tells me about how one of his voice lessons with Hannah Jo was nothing but him exploding over a ton of pent-up emotions, and then crying. I suddenly realize just how strong our will to pretend that we aren't bothered by something can sometimes be, and how unhealthy it is to let those emotions all come out at the same time. Yet we all engage in the act of pretending that things don't get to us. Chekov! How right Chekov was!
4:21 - I start typing an article for American Govt.'s class tomorrow. "Poison Kiss" by The Last Goodnight.
4:49 - I finish typing my article. In printing it out, I run into Aaron Holmes, whom I try to help set up his computer to print from Frees lab. We fail.
5:00 - Aaron, Ben-Kaye, and I go to eat in the caf. We run into other AπEs there and discuss interterm options.
5:35 - I find myself unable to eat another bite of my pizza. Most of the AπEs have left, so I go to get an ice cream cone and sit with Liz, Zach, and Chanel.
5:45 - After regaling Liz and Zach with what happened today, I feel a MIGHTY NEED to use the bathroom once more.
5:50 - I go to the bathroom, but see Ben-Kaye and Aaron playing billiards, and decide to photograph them for my sports assignment.
6:00 - I go to the bathroom. It doesn't feel good.
6:10 - I head back to my room after photographing Aaron and Ben-Kaye at fußball.
6:15 - Off to rehearsal. My stomach is still sick.
6:27 - I get to the Con. I go to the bathroom.
6:54 - I begin getting actual staging in Arabian Nights. I don't have my script on me tonight. I lost it between yesterday and today.
6:59 - I go to photojournalism class. Midterm today. Hoorah.
7:07 - Richard hands out the test to Layne and I.
7:25 - I finish bombing the test.
7:54 - Class is dismissed. I hang out for a second.
9:19 - Rehearsal is done for the night. I go back to my room.
9:30 - I make it back to my room and log onto Adium for the night. I might do my German homework (and by might, I mean should), but today was way too hectic...
7:30 - My iMac starts playing my "Songs I generally listen to" playlist. I'm pretty sure it starts with Matchbox Twenty.
9:00 - The second alarm I set for myself goes off. Switchfoot is playing.
9:07 - I finally decide to get up out of bed when "Gone" by Switchfoot starts up.
9:12 - I get to the bathroom. Its dispenser is still out of soap, as it has been for over a week now.
9:30 - I get out of the shower as Chet walks in. He tells me that I should tell an RA or Tolu about the soap.
9:33 - I get my pants on and walk out of the bathroom just as Tolu walks in. I inform him of the soap.
9:35 - I walk back into my room. "Upside Down" by Jack Johnson.
9:37 - I put my contact lenses in and put on deodorant. I shuffle through the shirts in my shirt drawer and pick out the Doane College one. I don't look half bad in orange.
9:40 - Something compels me to update Growl on my iMac. I do so, and then spend a bit of time screwing with its functions.
9:50 - I realize that if I want breakfast today, I need to book it to the coffee shop. I bring my iPod along. "The Remedy" by Jason Mraz.
9:55 - I make it into the Common Grounds in time to get a peanut butter muffin and a mocha blend smoothie. "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal.
10:00 - I get back to the dorms just in time for Scrubs. It's a commercial, so I take the opportunity to get the paper on which this was originally written and my photojournalism book. "Big Yellow Taxi" by Counting Crows.
10:05 - Scrubs is back on. "My Malpractice Decision" and "My Female Trouble."
10:15 - My stomach starts its rebellion again, marking the fourth consecutive day of GI trouble since I added more fiber to my diet.
10:57 - I head to work-study to cover for Jess. On the way out, I discover that sometimes it is just easier to expel things from your mind. Then I reflect on "Loves me, loves me not," and wonder if its accuracy is to be always trusted.
11:03 - I get to the library, and then go to the bathroom.
11:15 - I catch up on what I've been doing today.
11:20 - I help an old man by changing quarters for a dollar.
11:35 - I finish catching up, and start listening to my iPod again.
11:37 - I crack open my photojournalism book to start studying for tonight. "Open Arms" by Journey.
12:35 - I finish chapter one and consider lunch, transferring, and meeting with Jeff. "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6.
12:50 - The next person on duty arrives. Now to lunch. "Into the Ocean" by Blue October.
12:59 - I set my breaded chicken sandwich down next to my sun chips and drink. Immediately, I go to Academic Support to see if I can get a transfer thing going.
1:02 - The woman I need to talk to is in a Safe Space Training seminar. My heart smiles, and I go to get my mail.
1:05 - There's a reminder to help with the blood drive, a packet of the available interterm classes this January, and a form for off-campus cultural events in my box.
1:11 - I finish my sandwich and return the form to the Academic Support desk. The woman I need to talk to is still not back. "Be Yourself" by Audioslave.
1:15 - My iPod reminds me of my meeting with Jeff. Off I go. "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot.
1:25 - I make a pitstop in my room to drop off my coat, photojournalism book, chips, and mailbox stuffers. I pick up a notebook with a hard cover, and my cell phone. No new calls since I put it on the charger. "Nowhere Near" by Summercamp.
1:30 - I arrive outside of Jeff's door. On the way over, I see a guy running in a bit of a baseball outfit, and am reminded of the assignment in photojournalism I have yet to attempt. "Crazy" by Alanis Morissette.
1:34 - I decide to check up on the news. "Breathe" by Anna Nalick.
1:47 - Jeff comes to talk to me after I've been waiting. The problem is what I thought it would be: American Government. "Hallelujah" by John Cale.
1:52 - Chet comes into the office. I scare him away with my awesome machismo.
1:55 - I leave Jeff's office for Dr. Hill's. He isn't in at the moment, so I remind myself to go down again Wednesday afternoon. "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts.
1:58 - I go to the SLO again to declare my intention to transfer at the semester. "Are You Happy Now?" by Michelle Branch.
1:59 - I run into Dr. Hill outside of the SLO, and walking back to his office, he informs me that my debate paper will schew my grade greatly. He also tells me that my study habits may be lackluster now that I'm not in high school anymore. My idea to have him think I'm a freshman continues to amuse.
2:10 - I leave Dr. Hill's office and get back to my room.
2:13 - I sit at my desk and continue to chronicle.
2:26 - Now to get that sports photo. "Higher Ground" by Red Hot Chili Peppers.
2:38 - I am reminded of the basis behind my passionate hatred of sports and sports photography. The smell of cinnamon reminds me of my cookies. "Yesterdays" by Switchfoot.
2:43 - I run across my fourth student tour of the day. Walking past, I can't help but think what fun it would be to etch "RUN" in red ink on multiple scrawls of paper and leave them where I know touring students would find them.
2:46 - I grab some fiber cookies.
2:58 - I recall the presence of an airport in Crete, and stakeout for skydivers. "Move Along" by All-American Rejects.
3:08 - I snap a photo of two joggers. Not what I had come for, but whatevs. "Someday" by Nickelback.
3:18 - I get back to my room and watch an episode of Avatar before voice seminar. "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5.
3:52 - Avatar is still awesome, but now for the seminar.
4:03 - I get to the seminar, which Hannah Jo Smith promises will be short.
4:12 - We get out of the seminar, but not before Hannah Jo frightens my soul to its core.
4:15 - On the way back to the dorm, Tyler tells me about how one of his voice lessons with Hannah Jo was nothing but him exploding over a ton of pent-up emotions, and then crying. I suddenly realize just how strong our will to pretend that we aren't bothered by something can sometimes be, and how unhealthy it is to let those emotions all come out at the same time. Yet we all engage in the act of pretending that things don't get to us. Chekov! How right Chekov was!
4:21 - I start typing an article for American Govt.'s class tomorrow. "Poison Kiss" by The Last Goodnight.
4:49 - I finish typing my article. In printing it out, I run into Aaron Holmes, whom I try to help set up his computer to print from Frees lab. We fail.
5:00 - Aaron, Ben-Kaye, and I go to eat in the caf. We run into other AπEs there and discuss interterm options.
5:35 - I find myself unable to eat another bite of my pizza. Most of the AπEs have left, so I go to get an ice cream cone and sit with Liz, Zach, and Chanel.
5:45 - After regaling Liz and Zach with what happened today, I feel a MIGHTY NEED to use the bathroom once more.
5:50 - I go to the bathroom, but see Ben-Kaye and Aaron playing billiards, and decide to photograph them for my sports assignment.
6:00 - I go to the bathroom. It doesn't feel good.
6:10 - I head back to my room after photographing Aaron and Ben-Kaye at fußball.
6:15 - Off to rehearsal. My stomach is still sick.
6:27 - I get to the Con. I go to the bathroom.
6:54 - I begin getting actual staging in Arabian Nights. I don't have my script on me tonight. I lost it between yesterday and today.
6:59 - I go to photojournalism class. Midterm today. Hoorah.
7:07 - Richard hands out the test to Layne and I.
7:25 - I finish bombing the test.
7:54 - Class is dismissed. I hang out for a second.
9:19 - Rehearsal is done for the night. I go back to my room.
9:30 - I make it back to my room and log onto Adium for the night. I might do my German homework (and by might, I mean should), but today was way too hectic...
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