Seriously. My parents are embroiled in something like a 30-year marriage that's been completely loveless for as far back as I can remember, and they've conditioned me to feel subconsciously that there is no truth to a happy ending, even though I want one more than anything in the world. When I'm dating somebody and things are going well, I'm ensnared by the fear that for no perceptible reason it will all end and there'll be nothing I can do about it.
I'm in love with an ex who consistently tells me he doesn't feel the same way anymore, yet I rely so much on the time we spend with each other now, even though it felt like I was just going through the motions when I spent time with him while we went out. A good number of days I feel shattered because I don't have him anymore, I even dream about him half of my nights, and at the same time I know that I'd just go back to taking him for granted if we got back together. And I like that he's able to be his own person now, but if he were to fall in love again... it'd kill me.
I almost completely hate where I live and want to move to a bigger city, but I'm horrible at meeting new people, and I seem to repel people from asking me to go out, so if I were to do that there's no guarantee that I'd meet anybody new, and then I would have given up the few good friends I already had for nothing.
...I wish I weren't afraid of so much. I wish I had a different childhood. I wish I could've loved you when I had the chance.
EDIT: This song came on literally as I clicked post. Talk about providence.
Friday, January 28
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