Auld Lang Syne, indeed.

I was acquainting myself with the Blogger iOS app earlier today when I tapped on the last post I had written for this blog.  Now I know that doing this immediately puts that post into a "draft" state and will likely avoid doing it again for... at least six hours.  But as I loaded that post, I got a glimpse of where I stood almost an entire year ago, and I realized something:  2011 was, through and through, the worst year of my life.

The problems I wrote about a year ago all remained almost entirely stagnant for months, and beyond them, more problems arose.  In the past year I was prescribed antidepressants, lost my best friend over a very stupid argument, fought and lost against an enormous wave of malice and cruelty from people I truly cared about, struggled against feelings of isolation and despair, gained twenty pounds and a very unflattering gut, contemplated suicide on several occasions, and told just about all of this to a therapist with whom I meet two to three times a month.  The worst of it is the hatred... I haven't cried so much since elementary school, and just like back then, it's not a single event that I'm crying about; I'm crying because there are people in my life who actually want me to be in pain, people who might be reading this right now and smiling about their accomplishment.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that I regarded my life with futility at least once a week this last year.  But then, I'm still standing, and I have to credit the new friends I made in 2011 for seeing me through the difficult times.  David, Nick, and Clint all stood by me, even when I would reiterate all of the problems I'd already told them about ad nauseam.  We started bowling together, we hang out all the time, and I can count on their company to make me smile even in the darkest of places.

And now it's 2012.  I've got a job that's on my career path, my student loans are consolidated, I'm teaching myself how to program iPhone apps, and my resolution is to publish something on the app store.

A few days ago, somebody called me an optimist, which really struck me, especially because on New Year's Eve, Nick asked me to think of a positive memory from my childhood, and I just shrugged, because I couldn't come up with anything.  I have incredible hope for the future, and a good amount of hope for the year to come. I suppose I'm an optimist of the future, and a pessimist of the past.  But in fairness, the past is done with.  Dwelling on it too much can make you wish for things you can't get back.

Should old acquaintance be forgot.  Here's to tomorrow.