Today

I think the fact that I'm posting old blogs now shouldn't excuse me from the fact that I have feelings and events to chronicle right now. I didn't write anything about yesterday, but most of what's important is still fresh in my mind.

I'm relishing the return of Internet into my life, but whether or not that's a good thing remains to be seen. I feel like yesterday might have been more productive without it, since all I really did was spend the day trying over and over to upload photos from vacation onto Facebook while I listened to AOL Radio. I also made a clip of an episode of Scrubs which I felt was pertinent to the things going on in my life right now. But other than that, there's not much else to report.

I had a dream Sunday night about him. We were in a cement courtyard, kind of like the one on UNL's campus, only very rearranged. He was sitting in the very middle of the plaza, and I came up and sat down next to him. I don't remember nearly anything that was said, except that he didn't really want to talk (last night on Yahoo had him saying the same thing), and then Smash Mouth took the stage and started playing "All Star." I guess my brain's trying to send me a coded message...

You never know if you don't go,
You never shine if you don't glow...

I wish he was having my dreams instead of me. I already know the things my dreams are trying to tell me. That's the entire reason I was thinking about that clip of Scrubs.

Dr. Cox: "No, I am honestly trying to tell you that I don't think I was being clear with you before. In fact, I think I was being a pretty lousy teacher.
"Look, I think putting one in the win column every now and then is what gives us the juice to keep plugging along in games that we know deep down, we're not gonna win. And that's why I locked-in so intensely with that patient, because opportunites, they... God, they come along so rarely in this place, and when they do, you just can't let them slip through your fingers. You can not. You know?"

Cox is talking about matters of life and death here. Yes, his patient was high-risk, but she still had so much life to live that making the attempt to treat her, even if it ended in failure and she died anyway, was worth all of the risk and more.

Far too often, we look at things in our life and say to ourselves that there's too much risk involved in pursuing something that we really want, but what we often forget until it's too late to stand up and fight is that nothing worth having comes easy. And yes, it can really hurt to put yourself out there because if you fail, you feel like the effort was wasted, but if you don't put any effort in at all, then you might have missed out on a great success (you never know if you don't go). And just like with Dr. Cox's patient, you might not have the easiest road ahead of you; sometimes you might even have something blocking your way, and you have to relegate yourself to staying in one place until you can find a solution to your problem. You might have to simply keep your patient on life support for a while until you know what's wrong, and that can be scary, but you have to keep the window of opportunity open, even if it's just open by a small crack, so that you can open it all the way later on (you never shine if you don't glow).



I think sometimes we leave too much up to "fate," and we convince ourselves not to move because of it. Sometimes, we might even think we're choosing to stand still when we're really retreating into "fate." But sometimes, you can't let yourself do that. Fate is a set of unpredictable factors in our life, culminating into a point where we have to make a decision. Fate is what brings us to our points of action, but it's up to us to decide what happens next when we hit those crossroads.