Saturday, May 31

One of the absolute craziest things I can possibly think of is
actually one of the things I've thought about most often.

Here's how it goes: say I'm hanging out with some of my friends,
playing Smash Bros. or just having lunch or whatever. We're talking
about stuff, having a good time, and then after a while I head back to
my own place, whatever that might mean at the time: my dorm, my house,
class, whatever. That sounds pretty normal, right? And I'm at my
place doing my own thing, and my friends are doing THEIR own thing,
and that's what's going on.

But here's where things get weird for me, is when I think about the
fact that my friends are actually thinking. While I'm not there,
they're still just as autonomous as when I am. But that isn't really
the weirdest part. Here's what just completely floors me whenever I
realize it. Are you ready? Okay...

People have the potential to think about ME when I'm not right there.
That's... Just... Bizarre. To me, I mean. Maybe some people don't
think it's so weird that they think about me, or even that others
think about them, but all my life I just never considered the
possibility that people thought specifically about me while I wasn't
around them.

Why is it so weird an idea that people think about me? I don't know.
It might have something to do with the fact that I was never ever
exposed to any effects of people thinking about me for the better part
of my life. I didn't really have friends until high school, so why
would anybody in any of my classes spare a second thought for a kid
that they just made fun of? I started doing things that actually
required socializing (theatre) in my sophomore year, but even then,
there was never really any kind of invitation extended by any of my
friends to any kind of party or anything, outside of cast parties, and
even at those I can barely recall socializing to any profound degree.

So there's a definite groundwork for a reaction of "seriously?!"
whenever somebody says "Oh, Josh, I was just thinking of you." I think
a lot about my friends, even when I haven't talked to them in a while,
but to hear that they do the same thing... I guess you could say I'm
not used to existing outside of myself.

How do you come to terms with the fact that you affect others' lives?