A short poem

The paper ball
Unfurled
To reveal such
An intricate
Web
Of snot.

An update too long for Twitter or Facebook.

I discovered today that I'm getting a D in two of my classes. Normally, this is a very bad thing in college, because it means you have too little will to do what you think you want in life in order to actually get anywhere, except that the classes in which I'm performing remedially are about medieval England and oil wells – two subjects which, if I had to be told I could never ever learn about for the rest of my life, I wouldn't particularly miss. The unfortunate business is that these will drive down my GPA and can potentially force me out of my major. And suddenly the irony of liberal arts education becomes blaringly clear.

Anyway, maybe it's not too late to declare pass/fail.

What I'm working out to these days

This playlist is called "Nerdrenaline" because it's derived (with the exception of Samson and Delilah) completely from video games. Despite that, it's all very pumped stuff and has a pretty solid lifting tempo.

3 Cans Later - Chris Geehan - Iji
Welcome To the Party, Pal
For Stronger Bones
Seven Four
Tor
Face to Face - Tom Mauritzon - Iji
Hero (Wretched8 Remix) - Captain Goodnight - Iji
Further (Lifeforce cover) - VNV Nation - Iji
Mega Man 3: Magnet Man and Top Man - Entertainment System
Escape From The City - Jun Senoue - Sonic Adventure 2
Samson and Delilah - Shirley Manson - Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Jackknife - Solar Winds - Mirror's Edge
Ropeburn
Pirandello Kruger
Boat
Fighting For Freedom - Takehiru Ishimoto - The World Ends With You
Shibuya
Kinetic Harvest- Sidhe - Shatter
Aurora
Granular Extractor
Krypton Garden
Amethyst Caverns
Neon Mines
Xenon Home World
Boss Music

Enjoy.

Conundrum

Why is it that we stop caring what time it is only after it's already gotten ridiculously late? I wanted to get to bed forty minutes ago but I didn't, and now I don't want to go to bed even though I really should.

I'm renaming my internal clock Keyser Soze.

Hey life... ya done yet?

Cute. What are you looking for?

Mostly friends, but play's alright every once in a while. I'm open-minded in that area. How about you?

I don't "play," and I avoid those who do. It's not my thing.

Well, those who play tend to avoid me, but ... so does anyone I wish would just date me. So I guess that's that?

I don't hook-up, and I keep clear of those who do. It says a lot about one's character -- or lack thereof.

Yep, there's that final bullet to my self-esteem. Time to listen to Death Cab and concede that 2006 was, in fact, the last year I'd ever have a boyfriend.

I do think you're cute.

Cute but poisonous.

Ok, well take care and good luck finding whatever/whomever you're looking for. So long!

You know what I'm honestly looking for? I want to find a guy who's stuck in the years when Pete and Pete and Are You Afraid of the Dark were still on Nickelodeon. I'm looking for a guy who still has anxiety before he gets onto the big rollercoasters at the theme parks. I'm looking for a guy who remembers what the Super Nintendo was and who will still fight to say it was better than the Sega Genesis even though they both died off 14 years ago. I want somebody who hasn't quite grown up and isn't even sure he wants to.

 

And to be completely honest, I only mentioned play fleetingly because I had no idea what you might be looking to find on ******. I guess it was just my turn to get caught in a sting.

next time, be honest. you never know who's on the other end. don't tell someone what you "think" he wants to hear because in the end, it might not be what he wants to hear after all.

g'nite.

You'll have to forgive me if I'm not completely gracious toward your pious lesson. I'm honest as often as I can be and it hasn't won me any gratitude, sympathy, or love. And as high on your pedestal as you are, I'm sure it's tough for you to see me crying myself to sleep more nights than most people should.

Douche bag.

Sent from my iPhone

You call me a douche bag when you don't even know my name? I've spent the first year and a half of college shattered over the first guy in my life who's ever been fully compassionate toward me leaving, and I spent the next year and a half trying to recollect myself AGAIN after finally meeting somebody else that I clicked with. I have been spit upon and ignored my entire life by the people who were supposed to be my friends, and by the people who call themselves my family. So yes, sometimes I cave in and go for the opportunity to have a little closeness in my life.

 

Fine, maybe that makes me damaged, but I am not, nor will you ever have the right to call me, a douche bag.

Author's note: fuck...

Dear Madam Gaga

In order for something to be an innuendo, it must first be a real thing.  This is in reference to the term "Disco Stick."  There is no such thing as a disco stick.  There has never been a prevalence of sticks in disco culture.  I formally declare that your lyrics are stupid.

Sincerely,
The Undersigned.

Sending out an S.O.S.

I got off of Skype with a friend and started hearing a squeaking in my earbuds. I didn't know what might be the cause, so I didn't know what I should do. Then I started hearing a pattern to the squeaks. They're pulses. They come in clusters separated by about five seconds of silence and groups separated by about one second of silence. I've read about codes like this before in one of my math classes, but it doesn't make any sense to me.

3-2-2
2-2-3
3-3-2
3-2-2
2-2-2-1
1-2
2-1
1-1-1
1-1-4-1
1-1-1-1-1
This cluster is singled out because it doesn't follow the rule of the numbers adding up to 7, 8, or 9.
5-2-1
3-2-2
2-2-2-1
4-2-2
2-2-2-1
2-2-2-1
2-2-2-1
2-2-2-1
2-3-1-1
3-1-2-1
2-1-2-2
2-2-2-1
3-2-1-1
3-3-2
3-3-2
4-3-1
3-4-1
3-3-2
2-3-3
5-3
3-3-2
2-2-2-1
3-2-2
2-2-2-1
3-2-2
5-3
6-3
2-2-2-1
2-2-2-1
2-2-2-1
2-3-2
3-3-2
3-2-2
3-3-2
3-2-1-1

I lost track of them after this point, but they kept going. A friend of mine suggested I restart to see if it was a hardware glitch. So I did, and they stopped, but only after I completed the login sequence.

If anyone knows what sort of code this was, or what sort of code it resembles, can you give me a shout?

Random thought of the night

I've never been skinny dipping.  I wonder how it feels.  I was always afraid to take the risk, but what's the risk, really?  Can someone tell me?

Blue morning, blue morning, wrapped in strands of fist and bone

I made a new friend recently.  We haven't talked very often, but we've generally talked about things that are a little deeper than surface.  

Tonight, I shared a post from this blog with him, and he asked me if I still feel the way I did when I wrote it.  I said I do, and then told him that I use the stars as a frame of reference for times like these.  See, the stars are fixed in the sky, so compared to them, it's hard to say we're really moving at all.  He suggested that I should probably change my reference point if that's not how I wanted to feel.  He said that it was important that I be who I feel I am on the inside, no matter what others' opinion of my doing so is.

And the whole thing reminded me a lot of Counting Crows...

"Curiosity, kitten,
Doesn't have to mean youre on your own
You can look outside your window
He doesn't have to know
We can talk awhile, baby
We can take it nice and slow"

And a little later,

"There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in"

Of course, I'd always heard "bird that nests" as "perfectness," but either image leads to the wings, and to not having to wander in solitude.  If I don't want to live my life closed off from everyone, I shouldn't have to.  And if I want to feel like I'm going somewhere, all I have to do is go somewhere.

My new reference point... I think it should be how much I've learned about life.

Whoops

I meant to write last night but I ended up not. I'll make up for it today.

I think that there are definite signs to be heeded in our daily lives. They can be little things that we don't even realize we're supposed to notice, they can be big things so big that we lose the message of them in the shock of the event happening. Usually they're hidden in the details, and can take a small amount of imagination to uncover. Some people will argue that they don't exist then, but I think that those people choose not to see signs because it's easier to live life without turning your head and looking around. (to their credit, they're right; it is easier to live that way)

It happens often, though, if you're receptive to it. The present structure of the signs tells me that whatever I'm hoping for this summer, it won't happen now. If I try to force the point, it'll just crash in on me.

I want to believe that these signs promise something will develop with the guy that apologized... but that's a very long way out and I shouldn't let my heart beat for a moment that might not ever come.

Tech 'n Talk

I'm waiting for a lot of things. I'm waiting for summer to be over, I'm waiting for love to find me, I'm waiting for my sister to get out of the shower, and I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

Well, in no more than an estimated 12 hours, I can cross one of the things I've been waiting for off my list. It's been about a year since the last major update to the iPhone OS, and soon Apple will be releasing their next big update: iPhone OS 3.0.

This is really exciting for anybody with an iPhone or iPod Touch because it adds a ton of functionality to the device. The majority of the upgrades are technical features, but they allow for pretty exciting stuff. Push notifications, for instance, allow applications to send updates to your device when there's new content available without the need for that application to be running.

Another huge feature is the ability to cut, copy, and paste text not only within individual apps, but across every app on your device. Got a link in Safari you want to share in Twitter? Done. Got an address you need to send to your dumb friend Gina because she lost the directions to the party? Done. Got a... thing that... needs pasting into... something else? ._.

In other news, my mom called a family discussion about cars and such and the topic arose that the car I used to have was supposed to be my graduation present, given to me a bit earlier than normal. I asked about if my parents had put any thought into what my sister's college graduation present would be, and then made the point that my high school graduation present was a lot smaller than my sister's, so I just wanted to know what hers would be like. My mom contested that my high school graduation present was a laptop and not a $300 MP3 player. I corrected her on this point and made it clear that my graduation present was some $800 than my sister's. After dinner she hugged me, apologized (apologies abound these past ten days), and then said she knew what I meant on the walk last night.

Two humanized people in ten days. Maybe this summer is turning out differently than the last two. Even if just in small amounts, it makes me hopeful for the rest.

What I did today.

I woke up at noon and then hung out downtown with a friend from high school. We had Panera Bread around 4:30 because I was starving. I had the chipotlé chicken sandwich with no tomato or cheddar. I also had the iced green tea and made a point to ask the girl if there was any dairy in this green tea. Stupid question, I know, but sometimes people put milk in green tea. She said there was no dairy in the green tea, so I was golden. The sandwich was delicious, but shortly after eating it I discovered that there was indeed milk in the chipotlé sauce. I don't regret anything.

I got home around 6:30, and logged on to my computer, was bored to tears until about 12:00, when I started watching a web series called Dorm Life. It's interesting; sort of like The Office if it were set in a college dorm and hopped up on guarana.

Now I'm heading to bed, woot. Goodnight.

EDIT: oh, speaking of woot, I bought a 4GB flash drive off of woot.com today. It was $10 after shipping.

I feel really attuned to this image

It all started when I got an email from Blizzard...

They were informing me of a successful character transfer. It was an interesting email to have received, because I haven't played WoW in over a year.

Concerned about whether or not this might reflect on my bank statement, I attempted to log on to worldofwarcraft.com. Indeed, I was unable to log in, so I reset my password by answering my security question, and changed my default email address. And then I looked at my payment summary: Somebody purchased a month, on May 28th. I looked, then, to the subscription plans, which were indeed set to a monthly basis. The good news is that the month was not purchased on my plastic.

Still, mildly concerned about this character transfer business, I called Blizzard support. They told me that my account was hacked. And that there's nothing they can do over the phone about the character transfer.

But...

They did say that I should check my computer for viruses and keyloggers and trojans.

So I did check my Mac for those things...

And found none of those things.

Then, curious to see what else my hacker might have done, I decided to download WoW back on to my computer. The initial download promised to be 6.5 GB. I come back to my computer a little while later, to find that the 11 GB of free space I had left it with... Were all gone. I cleared off my hard drive, and redownloaded. Then I successfully had version 3.0.1. Then the downloader came up. And then the updater came up. And the download/update dance repeated, nine times, until finally, I was able to click "Play" on the launcher.

So I did.

And I signed in.

And was prompted to update, three more times.

But when finally granted the go-ahead to log in and run the actual game, it appeared that it was all for naught.

You see, on the very first installer screen, some eight hours ago, I chose Wrath of the Lich King. Thinking that installing that would let me play my basic account, since they all contain the same data anyway. Apparently... I was wrong. I installed the wrong kind of 15 gigabytes. You know how it takes up that much space? They never optimize their code. Their patches are installed next to one another. Never overwriting the precious base code of the other patches.

You would think, that with all of Blizzard's money and vast nebulous brainsize hive mind knowledge of making the most incredibly immersive video game experiences known to all of mankind, nay, all of Creation, that they would know how to make a unified installer. I was told that my account information was wrong. Back to the website to enter in the same account information. Which was proven on the website to be right.

So now I sit, downloading the right kind of 15 gigabytes. With luck, I'll wake up tomorrow and update three more times before finding out what my hacker had done.

In the meantime, I find it necessary to ask: if WoW were a standalone OS, would Microsoft finally look efficient?

Grammar lesson

Kos of frustration.

(assuming the embedded video doesn't show up on Facebook, the link to the video is here)

It should be noted that of the 30 seconds in the ad, the dog is shown for two. It should also be noted that Obama's platform was almost entirely founded on the idea of cutting government spending. Finally, and most important, Obama cut a mere $100,000,000 of spending out of the expected $1,400,000,000,000 deficit as of April 24th.

Case in point: the media should spend less time focusing on a two-second clip of a dog and more on the other $1,399,900,000,000.

Last night

I know it's basically becoming a motif of my blog to write about dreams I've had, but this one was a little more interesting than others of late.

What happened? I cried. I cried unlike I had ever cried before. I cried into my mom's shirt, about everything. Everything that's been happening for so long. About the heartbreak, about the isolation, about the feelings of futility and uselessness. Absolutely anything that has weighed on my mind in the last three years, poured out in saline.

I woke up in the middle of this dream. I expected there to be moisture on my face: streams, rivers, something. But there wasn't. There was no indication I'd cried at all in the middle of the night. In fact, when I woke up, I didn't even want to cry at all. I felt... nothing.

Not nothing, I guess. I don't know what I feel. It feels like there's a coolness in the back of my head. Like when you feel like you're about to crack up laughing, only I don't feel like laughing at all.

Movies on my iTunes Rental list

Boldfaced means I have not seen the movie...
12 Angry Men
2001 A Space Odyssey
All Dogs Go To Heaven
American Teen
An American Carol
Army of Darkness
Ben Hur
Blade Runner (Final Cut)
Boys Don't Cry
Capote
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Color Me Kubrick
Double Take
Dr. Strangelove
Dragonheart
Everything is Illuminated
Expelled (No Intelligence Allowed)
Fern Gully
Fools Rush In
Goodnight and Good Luck
Hard Candy
Hearts In Atlantis
Hotel Rwanda
Idiocracy
Joe Somebody
K-PAX
Little Miss Sunshine
October Sky
Pleasantville
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Saved!
Shattered Glass
Suddenly, Last Summer
The Crucible
The Fox and the Hound
The Great Gatsby
The Importance of Being Earnest
The Iron Giant
The Pelican Brief
Tommy Boy
Twilight Zone
Wakko's Wish

Random thoughts for the day

10:25: Right. Let's just get through today, then wake up and get through tomorrow. Then Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, in that order.

10:28 That was funny. Why do I always make those quips?

10:33 I need more oatmeal squares. Juice would be good, too.

10:35 I think I'll write all of these down. Oh, I also need to do laundry.

10:38 Grocery shopping an acceptable way to spend the morning? Why not?

10:39 Blue playlist. Yay, melancholy.

10:43 I should clear out my Yahoo list. I know all the lyrics to "Hallelujah."

10:46 A firetruck just drove by. There must be something serious going down, there was also a cop car in the Village lot.

10:53 I sing "My Sundown" too often or the lyrics to be true anymore when I say "I'm gonna be so much more than they."

10:57 I kept him on my list. What's that saying? Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Funny... He was the one to tell me that. Alright... Bye, TJ.

11:02 Is there really nobody here like me? Who just wants a place to rest his head?

11:03 Right. Groceries.

11:11 I wish that he DOESN'T talk to me today.

11:14 Moderate downpour, not good for groceries.

11:33 I haven't ended a year on a high note since junior year of high school.

12:07 Hanging out with friends brings out this strange, post-sadness laughing. About just ridiculous things.

12:20 There's that sickness in my stomach. I should get moving.

12:41 Still in my friends' room. I should go now though.

12:44 Bad rain today. It smells like a lake now.

12:53 I keep using Omegle as if it's ever fulfilling. I keep doing a lot of things as if they're fulfilling...

12:56 I can't cry. Why not?
I should move again

12:59 I'm reminded of when I asked for a video game after my sister got back from New Mexico.

1:02 I really should go to a counselor.

1:06 I could write a short story.

1:13 My wallet always feels unnaturally thin.

1:16 I still need to do laundry and go shopping.

1:20 Just experienced my first city curb splash. It felt appropriate.

1:22 Maybe I should consider grad school in NYC

1:33 Got a weird look from two people in class as I sat down.

1:39 I can't remember what it was like when facebook was social.

1:40 God, I've only been here seven minutes.

1:49 What do I do about this other than just wait for it to go away?

1:49 I'd try my yellow list, but... I just don't feel ready for that yet.

1:54 I just want to lay down on a couch that isn't mine.

2:02 Damn.

2:12 A friend: "What are you doing? Are you still wandering?" Me: "Basically."

2:21 Found a couch. This will be a very unproductive time.

6:06 I ended up hanging out with friends for the past three and a half hours, but now that I'm back in my room... I feel just as down as before.

6:39 Yeah. I'm way down.

My afternoon...

I walked all that blue line. It was a rather interesting journey, involving myself getting soaked halfway through and then dried again after the rain stopped. I also gave a homeless guy the one penny I had in my wallet (I'm not joking, I had a single penny and no other cash), I walked through a two-block commercial area and discovered a couple of interesting cafés there, and I stopped at an Arby's on the highway and got lunch (I didn't say I didn't have a debit card).

The one thing I can say with any definite conviction is that you really see the world differently at three miles an hour than you do at thirty.

Meiner Tag

Hallo, Blog. Mein Tag beginnt mit mich früh wachen. Ich habe so-lala
diesen Tagen geschlafen, aber ich kann nicht warum sagen. Ich kann
nicht so viel auch essen. Vielleicht bin ich krank? Ich weiß nicht.

Ich habe nach Literaturklass gegangen. Wir sind das Buch ,,Fun Home"
lesen. Es ist sehr gut! Aber es ist bisschen düster, und ich
befürchte, dass meine Familie ist zu ähnlich die Familie in dem
Buch. Ich fühle mich, dass das Buch kann über mein Leben sein, und
was das sagt für meine Bindungen mit meine Familie... Es ist traurig.

Nach Literatur, hättet ich nur 30 Minuten zu essen. Ich habe einen
Burrito gegessen, weil es kocht sehr schnell und ist sehr lecker.
Dann habe ich meines Praktikum für Geologie. Das ist so langweilig!
Aber dieses war das letzte Prakrikum für der ganze Jahr. Deswegen war
ich sehr sehr glücklich.

Habe ich seit 4.30 mein Freund Adrian für Kaffee angetroffen. Wir
haben an viele Dingen gesprochen, und es hat mich gefreuen. Wir
spazieren nach Walgreens, und haben Anteile für eine Grillparty
gekauft.

Die Grillparty war die lezte Versammlung für QSA. Wir alle haben
Hotdogs gegessen, und es war eine gute Ende zu dem Tag.

Meine Tagen sind auf spät kleine sporadisch, aber wenn ich an der Gut
denke, habe ich sehr besser Zeit.

From the desk of Omegle

Stranger: HELLO
You: Hi there.
Stranger: how yoy doin?
You: I'm doing good.
Stranger: IM ALSO GREAT
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: A little flummoxed.
Stranger: hmm, im american and im not quite sure what that means, haha
You: Confused.
Stranger: oh okay
Stranger: what are you confused about?
You: This whole website.
Stranger: haha, yeah it is quite a trip
Stranger: get used to a buncha 'hi's, and a/s/l' followed by a disconnect
You: Definitely.
You: It's like an expedited Craigslist, only you can't select the city.
Stranger: precisely
Stranger: its odd, depending on the type of day theres different types of people. sometimes its always finnish people
Stranger: other times its china
You: Hmm...
Stranger: time*
You: I talked with a few Chinese guys the first time I got on here.
Stranger: splendid
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: ಠ_ಠ
Stranger: asl
You: 21, Male, Nebraska.
Stranger: nice
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: what are you up to tonight?
You: Eating breakfast.
Stranger: morning there? where are you from?
You: Nebraska.
You: When I said breakfast, I meant breakfast foods.
Stranger: gotcha
Stranger: i'm eating pizza
Stranger: unfortunatrly
You: Pizza's unfortunate?
You: When did this happen?
You: I'ma smack a bitch for not telling me.
You: ∑:3
You: ^kitty
Stranger: how old are you?

Stranger: MMMMmmmmbop
You: Ahh, Hansen.
You: We were all so pure then.
Stranger: i heard they all died
Stranger: good riddance
You: That's a shame.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: ARGHHH ME MATEY
You: PIRATES!
You: I just wrote a blog about you guys.
Stranger: ARE YE MAN ENOUGH TO BOARD ME SHIP?!
You: Will I get to man the boom?
Stranger: DID YE? I HOPE ALL GOOD WORDS?
You: http://publicjournalno1.blogspot.com/2009/04/intriguing-note-that-laws-against.html
Stranger: I SHALL GIVE IT A LOOK SEE
Stranger: IF IT'S NOT UP TO ME STANDARD, ILL THROW YOU TO THE SHARKS
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: Helllllooooo
You: Heya.
Stranger: From?
You: Nebraska.
Stranger: Where's that xD
You: http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=Nebraska&sll=40.823871,-96.699707&sspn=0.009288,0.012853&ie=UTF8&ll=41.508577,-99.84375&spn=73.349617,105.292969&z=3&iwloc=A
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: I need to find Charlotte!
You: She went that way.
Stranger: thanks.. great help (y) :)
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: balls
You: Dr. Horrible.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: I like brazil
You: I like cake.
Stranger: i don't
You: You're missing out.
Stranger: damn.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: wait, this is blatently a con, can u do 2+2?
Stranger: or is it just sending auto messages
You: I'm totally aware that two and two make four.
You: Give me something tougher.
You: Like, exponents.
You: Parentheses.
You: Or don't.
You: I don't wanna do maths right now.
Stranger: :P
Stranger: good good
Stranger: how has ur day been?
You: Pretty mellow.
You: I did a good amount of reading.
You: And walking around.
Stranger: fag
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: asl ?
You: What is it with people calling you a fag when you say you walked around and read today?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello there my lovely
You: Hiya.
You: Snookums.
Stranger: you rock my socks
You: Thank you.
You: I am pretty awesome.
Stranger: your indeedy welcome
Stranger: yes, my dear, you are
Stranger: So sweetcheeks, are you married ? :O
Stranger: i know that i love you, doesnt that count?
You: Not even in a relationship.
Stranger: awww, well, you are now ;)
Stranger: ily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You: You weren't in love with me, you were in love with the idea of me.
Stranger: whens the ceremony?
You: Tuesday
Stranger: i love you, i never wanna lose you babyy
You: Babby?
Stranger: you sex basket
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Oh! Piracy. Why can't we seem to keep it together?

Intriguing note that laws against piracy are being drudged up this long after we thought it was just a hobby. I wonder how a fight would go down between Wali-i-Musi and some of the guys from Pirate Bay. I get the feeling the Somalian would win, but I've heard tales about Richard Stallman...

The coolest thing I've done in my life

I remembered this when I was writing my most recent poem... back in elementary school, there was a guy – we'll call him... Spencer Lamb – and Spencer came into my fourth-grade class in the middle of the year.

From the time I met him, Spencer was a complete jagoff. He took every opportunity to insult me, and was always perfectly careful not to say anything within earshot of authority. He didn't even have a reason to be such a jerk. He just decided he needed to insult somebody and that it was going to be me.

Spencer tried to be a class clown. He was fond of slapstick and physical humor. Like Tom Green, only ... well, Tom Green wasn't funny, so like Tom Green. At our middle school, there were full-size lockers. Spencer thought it would be funny to squeeze himself into one. Why, I don't know. But he was in the locker, and I was there to witness his self-stuffing.

Without even thinking, I walked up to the locker, closed the door... and walked off to class. It was four years' worth of revenge coming to manifest itself in one motion of my arm.

And it was badass.

Middle school

The first day of lab,
I sit in the front.
I say to myself it's so that I'm so much closer to the door,
But when the rest of the reluctants file in,
They all take the seats farther back,
And everyone's allocated to two-person tables,
But I sit alone at the front of the class.

Shrunk in my seat,
Reluctant to speak,
Hoping the teacher doesn't
Do anything to single me out.
Hey, let's get to know some personal facts .
Hey, let's start up front. "I caught a Snorlax."
OH GOD, did I just blurt out Pokémon?
And yes, my voice cracked
Llike a beaker
On the linoleum tile.

My impression shrinks further,
As eyes dutifully turn.
I give my attention to everyone cooler than me.
And that’s when I see him,
The one across the room.
Laid back and collected,
He glances at me.
His eyes spark like flint
And set my Bunsen burning.
OH GOD, don't let anyone see the flame.
Somebody will laugh
Someone always laughs.
I don’t need to be ousted
Any more than I am.

Just focus on my homework,
No need to make a spectacle
Don’t think about the pressure
He exerts within my... brain.
But I saw it, didn’t I?
The way his lips were curled,
Almost an invitation,
Why aren’t we closer?

When did these things complicate themselves?
When did the chemical reactions in my own body betray me?
I should know by now
How everyone sees me:
Most likely to succeed
If he's not stuffed in a locker and forgotten first.
The teachers say I'm interesting,
The students use another word.
red-shift and blue-shift, I guess.

The science teacher's done with her pet project
And now we've got nothing to do but
Talk until time's up,
Wait for the bell to
Usher us to our next reluctant filing.
I take quick glances at him,
Still on the other end of the room,
Between exchanges with other nerds
About Final Fantasy VII.

This is where I belong.
This posse of poindexters.
Shell myself, say I’m introverted,
Say school is my devotion
When really, I’m just afraid
To mix these chemicals,
To stir something up,
To cause a reaction.

That reminds me, the science fair is only nine months away.

Great endeavor, or STUPIDEST endeavor?

I am recording, by hand, streaming music files from the Super Smash Bros. Brawl soundtrack. There are 300-some songs, but the good news is that some of them are just sound bytes. I'm undertaking this because there are a number of really enjoyable songs on the soundtrack. UNFORTUNATELY, there are also a number of brain-tossingly bad songs (I'm looking at you, entire song list for Kid Icarus). Why suffer through all of the drudge? continuity. It drives me insane when I don't have all of the sorting information I regularly use to keep songs in order. This includes the horrible track numbers. Once I've got all of the tagging information, I'll dump all of the crap songs (I'm looking at you, entire song list for Kid Icarus).

In the meantime, I've got another 137 songs to go ._.

Uncharted Safari

I found it before anybody but Apple Hot News had an announcement: Safari 4. It looks like Apple was really impressed with the feature set found in Google Chrome (as well as a bit of the interface). That said, they still made the decision to include some proprietary technology, like letting you browse your history with Cover Flow.

I'm about to take this compass out for a spin. The only concern I have is whether or not it will still accept the SIMBL framework I optionally installed.

The nerdiest poem I've ever written

Chemistry taught me about bonds.
In a world where a labcoat and a microscope
Were more home to me than the letterjacket and the megamall,
I learned about incomplete electron clouds
And atoms looking for E's
So that the workings of their world
Could be a little more balanced,
And the way they do that is by sharing
By bonding.
I learned about bonds in chemistry.

Chemistry taught me about compounds.
While others were making plans for making out
I was making formulae for making molecules.
Within all kinds of things exist all kinds of smaller things
That make it in the universe by
Sticking together.
Water flows like love,
Two elements joined at the hip,
Hydrogen and oxygen
Dancing through the atmosphere
To the music and majesty of metaphysics,
Becoming something better as one
Than they ever could have been separate.
I learned about compounds in chemistry.

Chemistry taught me about pure elements.
When others were declaiming sin
I was discovering simple combinations
Of atom and atom,
Homo-nucleic.  We breathe it every day.
The stuff is golden,
It's solid as a diamond and smooth as graphite.
These bonds are just as strong as their compound brethren.
Sure, they occur less often in nature,
But they're just as important,
Beautiful just the way God made them.
I learned about the sterling silver pure elements in chemistry.

Chemistry taught me about covalence.
While friends were lamenting their love being one-way,
I was discovering how molecules can say,
“We’re cool with just sharing the things that we’ve got,” -
I should put a rhyme here, to thicken the plot -
“And this doesn’t have to be some power struggle,
Cause we’ve got each other. We can just snuggle.”
I’m fully aware they can’t speak like us, stupid.
I personified them to make the metaphor lucid.
And now that you’ve gotten your meter and rhyme,
I learned about covalence in chemistry.

And maybe I missed the amazing moments,
The true telling times of teen trepidation,
But if somebody gave me the magic button
And said, “Here kid,
The banker is offering you that time back.
All you’ve gotta do is give up who you became today.”
I’d think about how we sometimes get shaped
By the deals that we make,
But sometimes, some rare times,
We grow better from the deals that we break,
Sharpening ourselves to the point
We can cut through the common conceptions
Contaminating perceptions,
Letting life lose its luster
So people can barely muster
The strength just to see what’s in front of them
And never think about what’s going on beyond.
Yeah, maybe I missed those moments,
But I’ve got a lab coat and a love for lyricism.

And some day, my atoms will excite to the site
Of that one wandering mass of molecules,
And we won’t even need to wonder if it’s chemistry.
We’ll just be balanced.

Disjointed sentences

I can't believe I still wake up in the morning.

I have a pain in my left side, and no idea what it is even after going to the doctor.

I'm just writing every complete thought that comes into my mind, so don't worry if I don't connect these together.

Every day I hope for something amazing to happen with the quiet understanding that nothing ever does.

I can count on one hand the most dates I've ever been on with somebody, and I didn't even like the guy.

If I had one wish, it would be that I never met that guy. I'm wholly convinced that's where my life hit its most crucial snag.

I don't read Post Secret because I envy the people who can reveal themselves artistically like that.

I envy a lot of people, mostly people in relationships.

I have been wronged by a lot of different people. I made plans to get even on a few occasions, but never did.

When I tried playing as an evil character in Fallout 3, I physically sickened myself.

I just want somebody to listen.

When I'm in my advertising classes, I hear all of this talk about brand loyalty. It makes me feel weird because I can't think of any brands I always buy over others.

I know a lot of peoples' secrets, but I could never bring myself to tell them.

I feel like an outsider. A lot.

People have made out right next to me on couches, and others have had sex in the same hotel room as me when they thought I was asleep.

I cried for no less than an hour one night while I was home this weekend, and I don't think my parents knew at all.

I pick up on things. I don't know if they're things that other people miss or not.

I see far more in my head than I do in the real world. They're always either dramatic or ridiculous scenarios. When they're dramatic, I hope they happen so that I can do something people will remember. When they're ridiculous, I hope they happen so that others do something I'll remember.

I blocked out the majority of my childhood.

I feel lonely a lot. Even when I'm surrounded by friends, I'm still alone.

When people say they thought about me, I don't believe them.

I really play video games because they let me feel important.

Twice in my life, I have felt like everything was the way it was supposed to be. The second time was when I was in Greg's arms. I can't remember the first.

I struggle with the idea that God has my best interest at heart sometimes.

I can't think of a single person whom I would say understands me.

When I die, the Konami code could be written on my gravestone for the significant role it played in my life.

Earlier in life, I wished my parents would have gotten a divorce. At this point in my life, I couldn't tell you which one I would have hoped to live with.

Nobody did anything to deserve reading this.

Nobody on the Internet believes me when I say I'm single.

There's a strong possibility I'll be lonely for the rest of my life.

Safari's first inconvenience on my life...

http://brian.mastenbrook.net/display/27

Now, out of the fear of getting hijacked from who-knows-who on who-knows-what website, I've screwed with some defaults and my RSS feeds are being handled by the far-inferior Mail app. I knew my first complaint would come, but I didn't think it'd be this bad.

...Huh...

Windows: Peering into the neighbor's yard and keepin' up with the Jobses.

These are the anthems, throw one of your hands up.

Alrighty, so I'm borrowing this idea from my friend Justin Shilhanek, who stole this idea from his buddy Brian Hernandez. The gist of it is that if you're somebody who represents themselves with music, you give us a list of fifteen songs that have been strongly impactful for you this year. Like Justin before me, I'm opting to give a clip of the particular lyrics that resonate with me.

It's rather difficult to parse this list down to just fifteen, but here they are in the order they come on my iTunes, here it goes...

1. Chem 6A by Switchfoot
Nothing but a chemical in my head, it's nothing but laziness, 'cause I don't wanna read the book. I'll watch the movie, 'cause it's not me. I'm just like everybody else my age.

2. Topeka by Ludo
I found God in a catalytic converter in Topeka on a Monday night. Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future, so you know what keeps me hanging around. No, you can't keep a good man down.

3. When I Grow Up by Garbage
Trying hard to fit among you, floating out to wonderland. Unprotected, God, I'm pregnant. Damn the consequences.

4. Waiting for My Real Life to Begin by Colin Hay
When I woke today, suddenly nothing happened. But in my dreams, I slew the dragon. And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane. I'm walking in my own footsteps, once again.

5. Dizzy by Jimmy Eat World
You said you'd never have regrets. Jesus! Is there someone yet who got that wish? Did you get yours, babe?

6. 23 by Jimmy Eat World
You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time. What are you hoping for? I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight. Don't give away the end, one thing that stays mine.

7. Someday We'll Know by Mandy Moore and Jon Foreman
Whatever happened to Amelia Earheart? Who holds the stars up in the sky? Is true love just once in a lifetime? Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

8. Thanks That Was Fun by the Barenaked Ladies
Deflated, and jaded. I hate it when you call, which isn't at all. And I've spoken, though broken. Here's a token of my love.

9. Dirty Second Hands by Switchfoot
Are you really as tough as you think? You blink, and you're over the brink. You bleed, but the blood runs pink, with dirty second hands, dirty second hands. You're not quite as tough as you thought, you bought the American rot, the very seed that you thought you'd shot with dirty second hands, dirty second hands. You might be right, the fight might be right inside you, the blind leading the lied-to. Tonight, maybe you bind you with dirty second hands.

10. No Sensitivity by Jimmy Eat World
The world don't spin without you, I'm amazed you're standing still. Taking my kisses back. Yeah, I want my kisses back from you.

11. Money Honey by State of Shock
As I'm staring through this fire, it's too late to make you mine, so far from where we started, so far from what we wanted. And as both of us fall down, we have lost and we have found, so far from where we started, so far from what we wanted. I've made mistakes that I can't erase, I've made mistakes.

12. Please Forgive Me by David Gray
Help me out here, all my words are falling short and there's so much I want to say. Wanna tell you just how good it feels when you look at me that way.

13. Swing Life Away by Rise Against
I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first: let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse. Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words. ALSO: If love is a labor, I'll slave 'til the end.

14. Please by Ludo
Please save this for me. I'll come back for you, love, I promise to. Please save this for me, for until I return. My love will burn, my heart will stay.

15. Steer by Missy Higgins
So hold this feeling like a newborn, all the freedom surging through your veins. You have opened up a new door, so bring on the wind, fire, and rain.