The coolest thing I've done in my life

I remembered this when I was writing my most recent poem... back in elementary school, there was a guy – we'll call him... Spencer Lamb – and Spencer came into my fourth-grade class in the middle of the year.

From the time I met him, Spencer was a complete jagoff. He took every opportunity to insult me, and was always perfectly careful not to say anything within earshot of authority. He didn't even have a reason to be such a jerk. He just decided he needed to insult somebody and that it was going to be me.

Spencer tried to be a class clown. He was fond of slapstick and physical humor. Like Tom Green, only ... well, Tom Green wasn't funny, so like Tom Green. At our middle school, there were full-size lockers. Spencer thought it would be funny to squeeze himself into one. Why, I don't know. But he was in the locker, and I was there to witness his self-stuffing.

Without even thinking, I walked up to the locker, closed the door... and walked off to class. It was four years' worth of revenge coming to manifest itself in one motion of my arm.

And it was badass.