So, I bought things...

I have been in the market for a new pair of headphones for a while now, because the in-ear buds I've been using cause me marked discomfort when I keep them in for any longer than an hour (raising concerns for the long-term health of my eardrums).  And then around the time of CES, Mashable released a story about a new company releasing headphones called "Aftershokz".  I really never trust a company with the in-your-face '90s attitude it takes to put a Z in the place of an S in their product line, but this time was different, because they promised a new method of delivering sound: bone conduction.  Being as excited as I am for things that make listening to my music a more enjoyable experience, I very quickly placed my pre-order.

But then, we're all naive sometimes.  The following is the review I tried posting on their site just now (they only allow for reviews of up to 1000 characters, and this was more than double that).

I remember these lollipop holders from when I was a kid.  They were called "Sound Bites".  They had four sound clips on them, and when you gently clamped your teeth around the candy part of the lollipop you could hear one of the sound clips in your head by pressing the button.

Of course, you could hear the sound clips even if you didn't have your teeth clamped on the candy, but when you did clamp your teeth down, the sound was of a noticeably higher fidelity and apparently louder than otherwise.  I remember even alternating from biting down and opening durning a sound clip to hear the difference, and being amazed at how different the clips sounded when I was biting down.

over a decade later, Aftershokz comes around, and I spend the most misplaced $70 of my life.

Claiming to use bone conduction technology to bypass the eardrum and channel noise directly to the wearer's inner ear, Aftershokz seem like the perfect solution to the layman who can't stand the discomfort or pain of listening to earbuds on even the lowest setting for more than an hour at a time.  I honestly thought, when I placed my preorder, that these would quickly replace my current set of earbuds.  Upon receiving them in the mail on Saturday, February 25, I tested them in multiple placements with several audio sources, and became immediately disheartened.

Positioning the speakers on the connecting point of my upper and lower mandible resulted in audio of completely abysmal fidelity.  Truthfully, listening to music through these headphones was akin to listening to music generated by the speaker on a Game Boy Advance or Nintendo DS.  Vocals were tinny and bass was practically nonexistent.  Listening to music through my iPhone's principal speaker generated both higher quality and louder tones *at a lower volume.*

Conceptually, bone conduction implies that, despite generating audible noise even when not pressed against a solid surface such as bone structure, sound volume and quality should increase when those conditions are met.  So, logically, pulling the speakers away from the sides of your head (and providing air space between the two) should cause a noticeable degradation of volume and fidelity.  Yet trying this on my own pair of headphones proved ineffectual.  In fact, sound quality improved not by placing the speakers against bone, but by bringing them back so that they were situated closer to my eardrums, which flies directly in the face of these headphones' selling point.

If you are in the market for a new pair of headphones, do not believe the hype surrounding these.  I have never been more immediately disappointed with a purchase in my life.